How Conflict Can Be A Healthy Part Of Vibrant Relationships

This article is brought to you by WorkingWell Counsellor, Andrew

Most of us have learnt to consider conflict as destructive, unpleasant and ugly.

We see conflict as combative in nature, with winners and losers and fighting and wounding. As a result, many of us fear the appearance of conflict within our relationships and view it as a negative nastiness to be avoided at all costs. Both consciously and unconsciously we develop a variety of strategies we use to either reduce our chances of getting involved in conflict or minimising the unpleasantness experienced once we’re in it.

But what if conflict wasn’t intrinsically unhealthy? What if the problem was not with the presence of conflict itself, but rather was with the way we engage with conflict when it arises? What if conflict was actually healthy for relationships and something we should lean into rather than avoid?

Director of the Family Communications and Relationships Lab, Dr. Elizabeth Dorrance Hall, says that research has found that conflict, when engaged with in a respectful, purposeful way, is vital for the ongoing growth and life of vibrant, meaningful relationships (Hall, 2017).

Why does conflict happen?

Conflict arises in a relationship when one, or even both, of the partners are no longer content with some aspect of how things are. This is not a bad thing; it’s simply the natural consequence of the dynamic and evolutionary nature of relationships.

Relationships are never static; they are always in a state of flux and change, as are the people within (Aslanian, 2024). This is healthy and expected. But often this change and growth means that previously accepted relational patterns no longer satisfy the needs of one, or both, of the partners. This is not to say that how things have been is bad – it’s just no longer best.

Conflict is a signal to couples that something needs to change within their relationship for it to continue to evolve alongside them as growing individuals (Hall, 2017). When couples encounter conflict, it provides an opportunity for them to step back, be curious, and explore what is not working, then make the necessary adjustments.

Think of conflict like a warning light on the dashboard of your car. Those lights don’t illuminate when the engine has already exploded. They come on as a warning when the problem is still minor. They’re a signal to pull over, have a look under the bonnet and address the issue so it doesn’t become catastrophic.

More than meets the eye

By taking the time to be curious and to seek to understand the nature of the conflict that has arisen, couples will often find that the presenting issue is rarely the foundational problem (Hall, 2017). Your partner scrolling on their phone when they get home from work isn’t really why you’re upset, is it? It’s likely something deeper and more personal than that. Perhaps you’re actually feeling insecure because the two of you no longer share the long, winding conversations you once did and you are afraid they’re no longer interested in what is important to you.

Being intentionally curious and seeking to identify the underlying causes of conflict requires self-reflection and a genuine desire to understand the lived-experience of one another. It’s not easy, and for many of us our instinct is to ignore, avoid or postpone going deep. We focus on the surface-level ‘what’ (scrolling on the phone) rather than pressing into the ‘why’ (I’m feeling insecure). However, the relational reward for choosing to be curious is a deepening of intimacy, alignment, safety and peace. By choosing to acknowledge the deeper ‘why’ of conflict, couples can make the adjustments necessary for their relationship to grow and evolve.

But, as the saying goes, “it takes two to tango”. This growth-oriented approach to conflict is only effective if both partners commit to this perspective. It takes both partners to engage with the process of being curious and adaptive, otherwise, discontentment and resentment will develop – and these are poison for relationships, every time.

Honesty + Curiosity = Understanding

So, next time you notice yourself feeling dissatisfied with something in your relationship, rather than shying away from raising it with your partner, why not dare to lean into the discomfort and invite them to understand your experience. And as you do, make sure you also seek to understand theirs. Then, together, you can make the adjustments necessary for the relationship to grow, thrive and evolve.

Conflict doesn’t have to mean disconnection. Our counselling team are here to help you transform conflict into connection. Book an appointment and get started today.

References

Aslanian, A. (2024, March 5). For better or for worse: Conflict and connecting in crisis. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/for-better-or-for-worse-conflict-and-connecting-in-crisis/#:~:text=Dr.,when%20they%20get%20very%20upset.

Hall, E. D. (2017, March 23). Why conflict is healthy for relationships. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/conscious-communication/201703/why-conflict-is-healthy-relationships