When the Screen Comes Between Us

This article is brought to you by WorkingWell Counsellor, Trang

Have you ever started sharing something important with your partner only to realise their attention has drifted to their phone?

There’s a name for that: phubbing = phone + snubbing. It’s the act of prioritising a phone over the person in front of you. It might seem minor in the moment, but over time it can quietly chip away at connection.

Why it matters in relationships 

Phubbing is not really about the phone. It is about how the feeling it creates. Even brief moments of being overlooked or ignored can stir up feelings of loneliness, frustration, or rejection (ABC News, 2023). As these moments accumulate, partners may be left questioning their importance in the relationship. 

Research shows that perceived phubbing is strongly linked to lower relationship satisfaction, reduced trust, and increased conflict (Roberts & David, 2021). It’s not just how often it happens, but how it’s interpreted. If someone reads screen use as a lack of care or attention, the device can become a symbol of not being a priority (Wang et al., 2022). One researcher even described phubbing as a ‘social allergen’ – a tiny irritation that becomes harder to tolerate the more often it happens (News@Charles Sturt University, 2018).  

What can couples do? 

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. The goal is not to get rid of the phone, but to bring awareness to how they affect the connection between you and your partner. 

Here are some simple strategies that can help: 

• Reframe intentions: Phubbing is often a habit, not a sign of Talking about it openly helps clarify and reduce misinterpretations (Wang et al., 2022).
• Talk about it gently: Instead of accusing and blaming, share how you feel when the phone comes between you. A softer approach creates space for honest conversation without defensiveness (ABC News, 2023).
• Set boundaries together: Agree on rules that feel respectful and are practical for both of you. For example: no scrolling while watching a show together.
• Make small, consistent moments of presence: Putting your phone aside and offering undivided attention, even briefly, can deepen connection and rebuild intimacy.
• Create phone-free rituals: Decide together when screens are off limits. It could be during dinner, the first half-hour after getting home, or before bed. These small boundaries protect the special time that is just for the two of you.

Why the little shifts matter

Phubbing might seem like a small act, but it can have a bit impact on how connected and valued we feel. By noticing it, naming it, and making small shifts together as a team, couples can protect the vital experience of feeling seen and appreciated in the relationship.

When we look up from our screens and really see the person in front of us, we send a powerful message: “You matter to me.”

References 

ABC News. (2023, August 30). How phone snubbing impacts relationships and solutions. ABC. https://www.abc.net.au/news/2023-08-30/how-phone-snubbing-impactsrelationships-and-solutions/102786786 

News@Charles Sturt. (2018, September 24). Phubbing: How snubbing your loved ones for your phone can do more damage than you realise. Charles Sturt University. https://news.csu.edu.au/opinion/phubbing-how-snubbing-your-loved-ones-for-your-phone-can-do-more-damage-than-you-realise 

Roberts, J. A., & David, M. E. (2021). Partner phubbing and relationship satisfaction: A dyadic analysis of daily diary data. Computers in Human Behaviour, 121, 106784.  https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2021.106784 

Wang, X., Xie, X., Wang, Y., Wang, P., & Lei, L. (2022). Partner phubbing and relationship satisfaction: The role of relationship length and partner responsiveness. Computers in Human Behaviour, 125, 106944. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2021.106944 

At WorkingWell, we believe connection is a vital part of wellbeing. If you’d like to explore healthier ways to strengthen communication and relationships at home or work, we’re here to help. Reach out today to get started.